When depression attacks me

" I always want everyone around me to be happy, even I have to sacrifice my own happiness. But as much as I grow, I start to feel like......why do I exist? "

I've started to feel like I do not belong to this world since I was a junior high school. I always feel like people are expecting from me one way or another. I had to work so hard in order to be in the spotlight for some reason. Why? I thought it's the way to be accepted by the community, have a happy life, and be known as a good one.

Little pain, little gain

“Something that might sound silly, it's a big thing for someone without a reason that no one will understand”

My pain was so little and lived in a blind spot. I never know my nature character will become something that hurt me with so much pain. I guess my good character is kind person, generous and caring people so much. When I say I care about people so much doesn't mean I care about how they're judging me, but the expectation that they think I could give or be or do to them and I really don't want to let them down. I know no one is perfect, but I want to be a perfect one for someone I care about. That small pain became to be bigger and bigger when I grow up and I've got the point that I can't fix it anymore.

Shine bright outside, darkness inside

I start to hide my pain with a smile on my face. Making silly jokes and enjoying life with my friends. Studying so hard to be above average standard because I didn't want to let everyone down. I felt happy when someone told me that they could lean on me any time they need and dependable person. So, I decided to hide my darkness and no one shouldn't know how much sadness I have and unstable I am.

Good kid became a great girl

“Hard work pays off, I've been feeling paid off.”

Hard work pays off... This word works well in any situation, but I guess it's not for me.

I worked so hard to get a good grade, be a good kid, and met everyone's expectations. And yes! I got a good grade and did lots of curricular activities, plus some side projects I was willing to attend with my passion. Those things I did turn out to be great results for my profile. I have very good friends. I got nice jobs, a great boss, and super kind colleagues. Many people around me were so glad and proud of me.

I should be a happy and successful girl, right? I thought I was too......

I've tried so hard and I've got so far but in the end, it doesn't even matter now. I don't even know why I have to be alive anymore.